Life Goes On
by Wonder and Ashes
Summary: Joyce lives long enough so she's the one who jumps off the tower and closes the portal in "The Gift". Oneshot.


**Disclaimer** : All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

I put the flowers down and walk back into the living room where Mom is sat on the couch with a cup of coffee in her hands. "Boys are stupid."

"As a divorcee, I second that," says Mom with a smile.

I take a seat next to her. "I mean, how desperate do you have to be to make a robot girlfriend who agrees with everything you say and basically acts as your willing sex slave?" I think I hear something outside and turn to look. But there's nothing out there. "Now, a robot _boy_ friend, on the other hand…"

"Double standards, dear."

"Sorry." I try not to pout. A girl can dream, can't she? "I feel really bad for April. She was so…distraught when that poophead Warren ditched her. And she kept saying how it was her fault, and how she wasn't a good girlfriend, even after trying everything she knew. Some things were wrong but she didn't understand that. It made me realize that I shouldn't just date someone because it's expected of me. I thought it was my fault with Riley, but…he expected me to be a girlfriend who gave him all my undivided attention, and that just wasn't me."

Mom takes my hand in hers. "Looking back on your relationship with him, I think it was inevitable for you to break up. You had a lot of things keeping you occupied; your duties, my illness, Dawn, your friends… Riley just had you, and he wanted you to give that back to him, something you simply couldn't do. And let's not bring up his delusions."

I frown. "Delusions?"

"Honey, I may not get everything that goes on around us, but I understood that boy perfectly," she explains. "He wanted to be a superhero, like you. He wanted to elevate himself to your level, and more than that, he wanted to be the one to wear the pants in your relationship. Hank was the same; he didn't like that I had a job and expected me to stay at home and be the typical housewife. It was one of the many reasons we fell apart…"

"Can we go back to the psycho killer robot? That's a less scary topic." The last thing I want to do is touch on my parents' messy divorce.

Mom doesn't argue and takes a sip of her coffee. "She reminds me of Spike."

OK, maybe we should go back to the divorce. "What?"

"You just explained what she said to you," Mom elaborates. "That she tried to be a good girlfriend; tried everything she knew how to do, no matter how wrong it might have been and not fully understanding how to be what Warren wanted her to be. Remind you of someone?"

"Spike chained me up. And he had a stalker shrine of me."

"And I'm not condoning his actions," she says. "What I'm saying is he didn't fully understand that his actions were wrong. He was trying to understand how to catch your attention and not at all succeeding, but he was trying, nonetheless. And when you think about it, his experience didn't exactly make him qualified to make the right choice. I doubt that Drusilla woman was a positive influence on him."

I can't believe the words I'm hearing. "Mom, are you even listening to yourself? You're trying to excuse Spike's actions-"

"I'm not trying to excuse them," she says. "I'm trying to understand them; make you understand. He'll certainly have to do a lot of grovelling before I even let him near your or Dawn again, but I don't think you or your friends are helping the situation. You're punishing him for something he didn't fully understand to begin with. Maybe if you talked to him – explained what he did wrong and how he should act – then he won't do something like this again. Because he certainly _will_ otherwise."

I sigh. "You talking like Spike isn't a soulless demon who's murdered thousands of innocent people."

"You forgave Angel easily enough."

"He had a soul."

"And that immediately makes him qualified to know the difference between right and wrong? That immediately makes him worthy of forgiveness?" Mom shakes her head. "The boy who made the robot certainly didn't think it was wrong to do so, and he's a human with a soul. And Angel was certainly no saint. Do I need to remind you that he first started watching you when you were only a little older than Dawn?"

When I was only a little older than…? My eyes widen. OK, _eww_. How did I not realize that before? I'll give Mom credit that she's right about that. "But Spike doesn't have a soul _at all_."

"And yet he tried to be the man you want. Did Angel even bother to try when he lost his soul?" I can't answer that. "No. Sometimes, no matter how badly they screw up, people should be given some credit for at least trying. You and your friends have treated Spike so poorly since he came to you for help, and I'm actually surprised he fell for you in the first place. But after all you've been through, Buffy, you should know better. You expect Spike to be perfect; to turn into a flawless hero with a soul and live up to the impossibly high standards you're setting for him, ones which even Angel couldn't live up to. But the truth is, no one's perfect; you're not, and neither are your friends. Everyone makes mistakes, and wouldn't the world be a much better place if we stopped punishing people for mistakes they didn't mean to make?"

She gets to her feet and makes her way into the kitchen. I'm left with too many thoughts to count.

I don't think I can forgive Spike anytime soon, but is Mom right? Should I stop punishing him and start teaching him? Can he even learn? He didn't understand why I can't return his feelings, though when I remember where his idea of love came from – the insane Drusilla and twisted Angelus – I kinda get it. Kinda. It's still wrong, though whether that's entirely his fault is up for debate.

And Mom's kinda right about us treating him like crap. Sometimes he deserved it, like whenever he was a jerk to us and when he took sides with Adam, but would he have done that if we'd acted civil with him?

Giles once told me that a cycle of hate always makes things worse, and that someone should always try to break it. Maybe that's the case here. Maybe someone needs to stop with the hate. I feel like hitting my head against a wall when I realize that's what Spike tried to do with his declaration of love. And what did I do? Threw it back in his face.

I had a right to be a little wigged out. But not to the extent of immediately disinviting him from my home; that should've come _after_ I discovered the shine and he chained me up.

But I'm not sure if I'm ready to accept that; accept that Spike may be in love with me, and that I'll have to live with it instead of ignoring his advances and pretending that he's a disgusting demon who can't feel.

Mom's right about him trying, though. Angelus never did that.

I get up and follow Mom into the kitchen. "So how long is Dawn's art project going to take?"

"Who's Dawn?"

I turn with a frown…in time to see Mom collapse.

"MOM!"

* * *

Nine months. And that's if we're lucky.

After the surgery I thought it was over; that we wouldn't have to worry about tumours or cancer anymore because the doctors took care of it and it's gone, never to return. It should be gone. When I kill a demon it stays dead, with Angel as the rare exception (but I just kinda stabbed him with a sword, which doesn't kill vamps, and he got sucked into a portal, so maybe I didn't really kill him…).

Tumours should stay dead, too.

And they shouldn't come back with such a fiery vengeance that nothing can be done. I get not wanting to perform surgery again – something about not being allowed to do it in the same place twice – but surely they can do that other thing with the radiation therapy, or whatever it's called?

Nine months. Not even a year. And it might not even be that long. The doctor said that's only an estimation. She could be dead in two weeks for all we know.

I cry. Dawn cries. Mom cries. We all cry. I beg for Willow and Tara to do a spell, but Tara says it'll only make things worse. Healing brews are for bruises and aches and colds; they can't fight tumours, she says. They could prolong Mom's eventual death, but if she's in pain – and the doctor made it clear that she would _certainly_ be the longer it takes – then that's not a good idea, either.

They want to keep Mom in the hospital for a few days, just in case something changes. If nothing does then she'll be allowed to come home, but we have to bring her back if her condition gets worse. I take Dawn home, we cry some more and I put her to bed. Willow and Tara volunteer to stay with her while I patrol, and after my sweep, I head straight back to the hospital to check up on Mom.

There's a new bunch of flowers in her room. One of the nurses must've put it there during their rounds. They smell really nice.

"Mom?" Her eyes are closed and it looks like she's sleeping, but that doesn't matter. I take a seat next to her and take her hand.

Her eyes open. "Buffy?"

I smile a little. "How'd you guess?"

"Warm," she says. "Different from…" She trails off and shakes her head a little. "I hate this place. Didn't think I'd be back here."

"I already hated hospitals. I hate them more now." I don't want to come back here. I don't want Mom to die. She can't die. She's _Mom_. She's supposed to live until I… OK, let's face it, _Dawn_ , has children, so Mom can meet her grandchildren and be that grandmother who spoils them all the time.

The doctors probably just got it wrong. They get things wrong, right? I mean, they keep saying that vampire bites are just from rabid dogs despite all evidence against it…

Mom sighs. "Buffy… I know this sounds harsh, but…if I start acting like I did before – confused and crazy – then keep Dawn away from me. If I see what she is and that horrible lady or one of her followers overhears me…"

"We've talked about Dawn a lot," I say. "If they haven't overheard us already, then I don't see why they'll start now." It'll just make things worse. Dawn's already in a state, and if she's told that she has to stay away from Mom because of what she is… It'll crush her. I can't ask her to do that.

"I just want her safe. I want you both safe…" Mom squeezes my hand. "Buffy, can you promise me something?"

"Anything, Mom."

"Let Spike back in?" Before I can say anything she goes on, "I'm not saying you should accept his advances or date him, or anything like that. But I think you should try and be friends, or allies at the very least. He's strong in a fight. He can watch your back when no one else can. I want you to live for as long as life will let you, and not just for Dawn. For you, too. I know you can handle yourself, but you need help sometimes. And if he can help you keep on living, then there's nothing wrong with having him around."

"Mom…"

"At least do it for Dawn," she insists. "She's going to lose me. She can't lose you, too."

I want to scream at her; tell her that we're not losing her, that she's going to live and I'm going to make sure of it, but I can't. It'll only make things worse.

Not to mention that she's right, and I know it. Spike can help on patrol, and if what happened before is any indication – I fight the urge to touch where the scar from my stake has long since faded – anything can get me. Especially if Spike's right about the 'death wish' and wanting to die; I won't be fighting at top form over the next year. It's hard to admit, but I'm going to need him.

"He'll be a hard case," I admit. "But I promise to try."

"Maybe not as hard as you think." She nods at the flowers. "Beautiful, aren't they? I imagine you see a lot of those in Restfield. That's where they grow."

I frown, not understanding what she's trying to imply, but the name 'Restfield' highlights itself and I remember what else – _who_ else – resides there. Which means… "Spike brought you flowers."

Mom nods. "He came in after you and your friends had left. I think he thought I was asleep, because he just sat where you are now and talked. He apologized for what he did. He also apologized for eavesdropping."

"Eavesdropping?"

"He was listening to our conversation before I…" She pauses and I understand why. "He said he was thinking about finding that Warren boy and getting him to make a robot for him. No doubt of you. But when he heard what you had to say about it, he realized it was wrong. It proves he can learn, if you only take the time to help him."

I bite my lip. "I don't wanna be someone's moral compass. I already have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't be responsible for him, too. And if he screws up it'll be on me."

"It won't just be you," says Mom. "He likes Dawn, too. And Tara. They can help. And it wouldn't even be permanent; once it's taught, it won't fade away so easily. Soon enough he'll be able to manage without you. He wants to try, Buffy. It's whether or not _you're_ willing to try."

"But what if I fail?"

"Failing is part of life. What's the use of living if you don't try anything, or take risks? You can't live your life hiding from the world and its worries because you're afraid of failing and getting hurt. Life is a balance of both; success and failure, love and pain. You can't have one without the other. Bad things will happen, but so will good things. What matters most is that you keep going and try again."

* * *

I pause briefly when I see Spike falling from the tower. I don't feel the sense of betrayal or anger I would've done before – before he almost died keeping Dawn's secret from Glory. He tried, and that's what matters.

I beat Glory repeatedly with the hammer until she turns back into Ben, at which point I leave him on the ground to face the music. Out of the corner of my eye I see Giles walking towards him, and I know what he's going to do, but it's his decision and I won't get in the way of it. Better Ben than Dawn.

I hurry up the tower and behind me I hear someone follow. I quickly glance over my shoulder and see Mom running faster than I ever thought her capable of. But I shouldn't be surprised; she's a mommy, and her baby's in danger. Spike learnt that lesson the hard way when we first met.

When I reach the top of the tower I see a freaky little demon man cutting into my sister. That must be the guy who overwhelmed Spike. He turns to me with a bloody knife and begins to say something, but I'm not paying attention and stride towards him before tossing him off the platform without a backwards glance. How did Spike get beaten by that guy?

I run to Dawn and begin to set her free. "Buffy! Mom!"

I hear Mom arrive behind me. "Buffy, her blood! Don't let it fall!"

Too late do her words register. The portal is already opening when I attempt to stop the bleeding.

"Buffy, it's starting," says Dawn, her voice quiet and without hope. I wonder if she knows what she has to do in order to close it again.

We all watch in horror as the portal expands beneath us. Lightning cracks and hits the world around us; I see it transform a nearby building into one from Hell, complete with demons in the windows.

And it's going to do that to all of Earth unless Dawn dies.

"Come here." Mom pulls Dawn into a hug in an attempt to shield her from what's happening.

Dawn buries her face into Mom's shirt. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Mom whispers into her hair, assuring.

Dawn tries to pull away from her. "But it _is_. I-I have to jump. I know about the ritual. I have to stop it."

"No." My response is immediate.

Mom pulls her closer. "Don't even think about it, young lady."

"But I have to! Look what's happening!" As if to back her up the tower sways from the force of the portal, and a dragon flies out of it. "So you're just gonna damn the world?! I'm gonna die anyway, so I might as well die saving everyone!"

"No!" I yell more forcefully, trying to make my voice heard over the roar of the portal.

Dawn glares at me. "What, you're allowed to save the world, but I'm not? My blood opened it, and my blood will close it."

"Blood…" I glance at the sun rising in the distance. A beautiful morning at the end of the world.

Blood. I remember back to my birthday, when both of us were bleeding and I used it to show her that our blood is the same. Blood sisters.

I have the same blood as her.

"Buffy…" Mom tries to get my attention as the tower sways again.

I turn back to them both. "I have to jump."

Mom's eyes widen. "What?!"

"Buffy, you can't!" Dawn shakes her head repeatedly. "Only my blood can close it."

"But my blood is the same as yours," I explain. "Summers blood. That means mine can close it."

Mom lets go of Dawn and steps forwards. "Well then…by that logic I supposed I can jump, too."

She goes to push past me but I grab her arm. "Mom, no! That's not your job! Saving the world; that's not your job!"

Mom yanks her arm from my grip. "Don't you _dare_ tell me that saving my two baby girls isn't my job! I'm tired of standing on the side lines, unable to defend you. You've saved my life more times than I can count…more times than a daughter should have to…and now I'm returning the favour."

"Mom-"

"My days are numbered anyway." She shrugs, trying to act nonchalant about it. Trying to comfort us. "The doctor said I can die any day. And I'm not letting this brain tumour kill me first."

I try to pull her away from the edge. "Mom, listen to me, listen. You'll get better, you always do. Then you and Dawn can live safely-"

"Buffy Anne Summers, _you_ listen to _me_!" Her voice is twice as loud as the portal, and it makes me freeze. "For once in your life, will you stop ignoring the harsh truths you can't stand to face! I will die, one way or another. If you die here today then Dawn will be left with _no one_. Don't make your sister's life any worse than it already is simply because you can't accept that."

"Mommy…" I know she's right. But that doesn't make it any easier.

She closes her eyes with a sigh, calming herself. "I'm sorry. We don't have much time, so…" A warm, brave smile lights her face as she looks at the two of us. "You won't be alone. You have friends down there who care about you – all six of them. Life will go on without me, and no matter what it throws at you, you can't hide from it; can't run from it. You have to be brave and live through it." She takes a few steps backwards, getting closer to the edge. "You both be good girls and take care of each other. And whatever you might tell yourselves after I'm gone, none of this is either of your faults."

I want to hug her one last time, but I understand why she isn't letting me. If I hug her, I won't let her go. "Mom…"

She shakes her head, knowing what I'm about to say. "I love you both. Buffy…Dawn… Goodbye."

And then she turns and jumps into the portal.

* * *

Making calls helps me deal. I call Aunt Arlene who then calls Aunt Lolly. I call one of Mom's friends who works at the gallery. I call Brian, the guy Mom was dating in her final weeks. I try to call Dad but I can't get a hold of him. Typical.

The official story is that a bunch of crazies escaped the hospital, started rioting, and we tried to break them up because our friend (Tara) was trapped on top of a tower they built, which Mom tried to rescue her from. The autopsy revealed that Mom died of a broken back when she fell – but I know she was already dead when she hit the ground.

Giles helps with the arrangements for the funeral. I throw myself right in, knowing that if I stop then Mom will really be gone and it'll be too real and I can't face that yet. I'm not going to try and run from it or ignore it, at least not forever; when the funeral's over and she's truly gone, then I'll let myself cry.

Dawn's coping as much as she can, but a lot of that is thanks to Spike; he's staying in the basement for the time being. Two nights after Mom's death I saw them sat on the floor of Dawn's room, hugging each other and crying.

Any doubts I had about Spike's ability to love without a soul have already vanished.

He misses Mom just as strongly. I notice that he feels better when he comes home after patrol – which he's taken over for me until further notice. Probably taking out his anger on the demons he fights, if the state of him is any indication. I know he blames himself for not saving Dawn in time, and I've given up on telling him otherwise. I've given up on telling Dawn the same thing; that it wasn't any of our faults but Glory's.

And Mom was right; she was going to die anyway, and I think she wanted to go out like this instead of giving into the tumour. Can you really beat a tumour by dying before it kills you first? And am I a horrible person for thinking it was better for Mom to die this way – quickly while saving the world – instead of slowly and painfully?

Tara says that we have thoughts like that. She says it's common, and is just part of the grieving process. She's been good with Dawn, too.

Two nights before the funeral we're sat down at the dining room table and have just finished our dinner. I invited everyone over in order to tell them the final decisions. Dawn perks up when Spike walks out of the basement, yawning.

I didn't think vampires could yawn.

"Shouldn't have wrestled with that Fyral," he mutters to himself, before heading into the kitchen to presumably warm up a mug of blood.

Everyone stares and I flinch. Other than Tara I haven't told anyone that Spike's sleeping over. They know he's been around, but they've assumed that he only visits, and I've kept it that way so they don't wig out on me and give me more to deal with. Now there's no hiding the truth.

"Buffy, Spike's sneaking around again," Xander tells me.

I shake my head. "I know he was sleeping down here."

"Does he…sleep down there frequently?" asks Giles. I can tell that he's fighting the urge to remove his glasses and clean them.

I sigh and give a reluctant nod. "Only because Dawn has nightmares, and he's better with her than I am. He's being helpful, and we're not discussing it." I collect the empty plates and take them into the kitchen, hinting that the subject has been dropped.

But I'm not surprised when Xander doesn't get the message and follows me in. "So this has nothing to do with his obsession for you, and isn't some elaborate plan to try and get in your pants?"

"Isn't that what _you_ tried to do when we first met?" I ask back. Hypocrite.

He stutters for a moment. "I'll be the first to admit that I was a dumb kid back then. I've grown up."

"Clearly not enough." Spike turns away from the fridge. "Look, I made mistakes. A lot of bloody wrong calls. But even _I_ know better than that. You don't hit on a girl when her mum's just died."

" _You_ have standards? Shocker."

"Xander…" He's been the worst out of all of us when it comes to treating Spike like crap. Always picking fights because he knows that Spike can't hit back. I thought he'd quit it for now since Mom's just died. I thought wrong.

"Open your eyes, Buff," he continues. "He's just playing you. Trying to score some cheap points. It's the oldest trick in the book: pretending to care. He doesn't care about Dawn, and he doesn't care about Joyce."

Spike's fist clenches. "I _care_ , you bloody wanker. You don't know the first thing about me. None of you do."

I feel a surge of guilt at his words. He's right. All we saw was a demon and treated him as such, ignoring that Spike was no ordinary demon and had a lot more layers than that.

Xander doesn't look guilty at all. "Forgive me for finding that hard to believe."

Spike shakes his head. "You lot think you're the only ones who loved Joyce, but you're not. She always had a cuppa ready for me when I stopped by. She listened to me. She didn't treat me like I was a soddin' piece of dirt on the ground. She didn't deserve to die. I would've done anything to save her."

"And that's why we shouldn't trust you." Xander turns to me. "You shouldn't let him anywhere near Dawn. He can never understand what's right and what isn't. His idea of getting you to like him was to chain you up."

"He would've saved Mom is he had the chance."

"That's my point! I doubt he knows the difference between saving her and killing her. My guess? If Joyce didn't die on that tower, he would've turned her."

I expect Spike to get angry. To deny it.

What I _don't_ expect is Spike punching Xander and sending him flying across the room.

"I would _**never**_ 'ave turned Joyce!" he screams, flinching at the pain that's no doubt rocketing through his skull. "Even if I didn't have this chip, and even if Buffy or the Bit asked me to! Don't _ever_ say that again, you _bloody little_ _ **sod**_!"

I'm so shocked that I can only stand gaping while the others hurry into the room. Willow and Anya run to Xander's side, who looks OK for the most part, but he's gonna have the mother of all black eyes in the morning.

Spike storms out onto the back porch while Xander points accusingly at him. "He hit me! Did you see that? He hit me!"

"And you deserved it," I tell him. "Xander, what you just said was low, and you know it. Maybe this will teach you to stop picking fights with him." I go to follow Spike out, but I turn back when I reach the door. "Also, if this is your way of dealing with grief, kindly do it far away from me."

I find Spike pacing on the grass in the back yard. "The wanker did that on purpose."

"Probably." It's hard to ignore just how forced that conversation was; like Xander was steering it in that direction, trying to get a rise out of Spike. "We all deal with grief in our own ways. I think he learnt his lesson."

Spike stops pacing and takes a seat on the porch, in the exact same spot he comforted me all those months ago when we first found out about Mom's illness. I take a seat next to him, and only then do I realize that he's crying. Guess it's my turn to be the comforter.

"'S the truth, you know," Spike says after a few minutes of silence. "Even if you'd asked – _begged_ me to – I would never have turned her. And not 'cause I couldn't."

"I know."

He's silent for a few minutes more before saying, "I turned my mum."

This takes me off guard. I know it's a thing for vamps to kill their family – or at least, that's what Angel did – but _turn_ them? I've heard of the Gorch brothers and a few other sibling teams, but I always assumed they were turned together. But now…maybe one got turned and that one turned the other?

I can only ask, "Is she still around?"

Spike shakes his head. "She was…she was dyin'. Consumption. It was killin' me, watchin' her die in pain. Then Dru turned me, and I thought I'd found the answer. Thought I could save her. But after I did… I don't know what happen. She was sayin' all these cruel things; sayin' she's always wanted to be free of me, sayin' I drove her mad, even sayin' I turned her 'cause I had the hots for her. She wasn't my mum anymore, and…I had to stake her. She tried to stake me first, but…" The tears stream down his face as it falls into his hands.

This was how I found him when I made it to the bottom of the tower.

"You thought you were saving her…"

"And instead I _damned_ her." He attempts to wipe away his tears with the sleeve of his duster. "I don't… Even now I don't know if that was really her or the demon that took her body."

Giles told me that when someone's turned they cease to be that person. You're not looking at the person you once knew; just the demon that killed them. But in knowing Spike, I'm not sure if that's true anymore.

"You tried," I tell him. "Sometimes the intention is all that matters."

He doesn't look at me. "Never gonna kill again after this. Demons, yeah. No humans. Even if this chip stops workin'. Grief? Sorrow? Everything I'm feelin' now… I've given that to so many people when I killed their loved ones – and it _hurts_. No one should ever have to feel this pain. And I'm never causin' it again."

* * *

I hear footsteps approaching slowly, and I reach out my hand without even looking up from Mom's grave. Spike takes it without hesitating. "How was it?"

"OK, I guess," I say with a shrug. "Haven't seen my aunts in a while, so that was good. Dawn and I are seeing them off in the morning. Dad didn't show, but that's not a surprise."

"Wanker. Think he'll fight for custody when he finds out?"

I shake my head. "Doubt it. He doesn't even pay child support. I'd take legal action just to get more money, but no one can track him down."

"If I ever get this chip out, mind if I have one last hurrah and off him?"

I smile, finally turning to him. "Save some for me."

Spike goes to respond, but instead he quickly looks straight ahead and growls. My senses pick up a vampire approaching and I get into a ready stance, but when he gets closer I sigh and relax. "Angel."

He drifts out of the shadows like always. "Xander phoned Cordy to tell her. She and Wes couldn't make it." His gaze turns on Spike and becomes hostile. "What are you doing here, Spike? Buffy has enough on her plate."

"Here to pay my respects, is all," says Spike. "That's not allowed?"

Angel scoffs. "You've never respected anyone."

"Angel, enough," I tell him. "It's bad enough that Xander's picking fights. My mother's funeral was a few hours ago. Now's not the time for this."

"Ask him to leave," he says. "I'm here now. You don't need him."

"If I had to pick, I'd rather have _him_ here than you. Oh wait, I _am_ picking." Angel goes to argue but I cut him off. "Out of the two of you, Spike's the one who actually got to know Mom and _didn't_ try to kill her. I trust Spike with my family. I couldn't even trust you with my heart."

Angel's eyes narrow. "Spike would kill Dawn if he had the chance."

"And you'd just have sex with her."

He looks taken aback. "What?"

I shrug. "Well, considering you wanted to fuck me when _I_ was her age, it's not that big a jump. Maybe that's why you really broke up with me; I just wasn't young enough for you anymore. What ages are you attracted to, Angel? Thirteen to sixteen?"

He's looking at me like I've sprouted a second head. "Buffy, what are you talking about?"

"You fell in love with me when I was _fifteen_." I fight the urge to throw up in my mouth. "If you don't see a problem with that, then I really can't help you."

"It wasn't like that!" he protests, apparently catching on to what I'm saying. "Buffy, I would've fallen in love with you no matter what age you were."

"Even if you met me when I was a five year old girl?"

"Yes- No! I mean… Look, what I'm trying to say is we're soulmates, and it was inevitable that I would love you, no matter what age you are."

I roll my eyes. It's sickening that I used to believe in that crap. "If soulmates existed, Angel, then you wouldn't be mine. We caused each other too much pain, and love should be more than that. I've done a lot of growing up since you've been gone, and I don't believe in that destiny crap you sold me. I think the only destiny we have is to stay away from each other."

There's a pause as Angel looks at me with a new understanding. "You're right. There's nothing left for me here." He bends down and leaves a flower on Mom's grave, one he probably picked on the way here. It's the thought that counts, though. "I'm sorry about your mom." And then he turns and disappears back into the shadows, leaving me behind.

"Huh. I didn't think he'd go that quickly." I turn back to Spike and notice the massive grin he's sporting. "You enjoyed that _way_ too much, didn't you?"

"It's 'bout bloody time you put that sick pervert in his place."

"Says the vamp with a dirty mind."

"Least I waited 'til you were the age of consent before I made my move."

* * *

I finally break down two nights after the funeral.

No one's around except Spike, and he comforts me – in more ways than one.

I initiate it. I just need comfort, and he's willing.

"This doesn't have to lead to anything," Spike says as he pulls his pants back on. He means it, but I can tell that it still hurts him to say it. "Think you needed it."

I nod. Who knew Spike would be so good at comfort sex? I always imagined him – when I was lonely and desperate, by the way – being rough and hot. 'Tender' was never a word I would associate with him. But I don't think Spike will ever stop surprising me.

"I did. And it doesn't have to lead to anything…at least, not right away." I watch with satisfaction as an adorable look of hope crosses his face. "I just need some time, OK?"

"I've got all the time in the world."

* * *

"I think I might write a book. A man meets the love of his life, only to have her ripped away within weeks of meeting her." Brian sighs as he stares into his coffee.

It's nice that he wanted to meet up, but he's a nice guy, so I guess he just wants to know if I'm OK. Most guys would've ditched Mom the moment they found out she was dying, but not Brian; he vowed to stay with her until she was on her death bed. Part of me suspects he was planning on asking her to marry him, but he hasn't said anything.

"Only if you promise to change the names," I tell him. "People already don't take me seriously with mine."

He chuckles. "So Dawn tells me that you dropped out of college?"

I nod. "When we first found out how long she had left, I decided to postpone until next year. But now she's gone… We need money, and I need a job."

"Good thing I'm offering, then."

I blink in surprise. "Really?"

He nods. "My publishing house mostly deals with adult fiction, but we're planning to expand and appeal to teenagers and young adults, as well. We need a young and fresh pair of eyes to look over manuscripts; someone who knows what young people will read. It's good pay, and you can work from home, but you'll have to come into the office at least twice a week."

"That actually sounds awesome." I'm not much of a reader, but I've been getting into some books that Willow's suggested to me. "It also saves me from applying to the Doublemeat Palace, so yeah. Sign me up."

"Excellent!" He shakes my hand. "Could you also ask if your boyfriend will be interested? Dawn mentioned that he's quite literate, himself."

"Oh, Spike's not my boyfriend. He's…" Actually I'm not sure what he is.

"Really? I'm surprised he isn't with the way he looks at you."

* * *

"I also like poking people in the eye for fun."

"That's nice- Wait, what?" I do a double-take and turn my attention away from Spike at the pool table.

Richard's eyebrow is raised knowingly. "You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you?"

I go to lie and catch myself, deciding that the truth would be better. "Sorry. I'm really sorry. In case you didn't notice, I thought this was gonna be a normal night of Bronzing with my friends. I didn't realize it was a date until Xander announced it when he introduced you to me."

He winces sympathetically. "Your deer in the headlights impression tipped me off. And don't be too hard on him. Xander's just worried about you. He wants you to be happy like he is with Anya."

I glance over at where Anya is sitting in Xander's lap. They _do_ look happy, and I'm relieved that they decided to postpone the wedding for a few years until they're both ready for marriage. "I get that. And I haven't told him that my taste in men has changed since the last time I dated. No offence, but I'm not into hunky walls of shoulder anymore."

"You like punk rockers." At my wide eyed look he nods over at Spike. "You've been checking out the guy with the bleach blonde hair since I started talking."

It's my turn to wince. "Don't tell Xander? Saying those two don't get along is a massive understatement."

"Your secret's safe with me."

We part on good terms and I walk back over to the table where my friends are sat.

"Where's Richard?" asks Xander.

"He left," I reply. "A little warning next time, Xander? And I'd prefer a say in the matter, while you're at it. If I wanted to be set up on a blind date, I'd tell you. And before you ask, it didn't work out."

Xander actually looks upset. "But Richard's such a nice guy! He reminds me of Riley."

"Did you forget that Riley and I didn't even make it a year before we broke up?" I say. "Richard's nice, but that's all he is and I need more than that. I've accepted that a normal guy is never gonna fit into my crazy life." I glance over at Spike. "I'm not normal, so why should I settle for it?"

* * *

Today's the day. I wait for Spike to come out of the basement, and when he does, I rise from the couch and walk over to meet him. "I'm ready."

He grins. "'Bout time, too. Sure you're up for it?"

"Oh, I'm sure," I tell him, grinning back. "I'm surer that the suriest of seashores."

"Your grip on the English language is truly remarkable."

"My grip's pretty good on other things." I look down.

He raises an eyebrow. "Been a while. It might not be as good as it used to be."

I roll my eyes. "It hasn't been _that_ long, Spike."

"Then have at it, Slayer."

I reach towards him and get a good grip.

He lets the axe go and smiles. "Patrol hasn't been the same without you."

"How long has it been?" I ask. "Four, five months? I didn't keep count, but-"

"147 days."

I pause and meet his gaze. "What?"

"147 days," he repeats. "That's how long it's been since Joyce died. And you haven't patrolled since she died, so…" He gives a little shrug and looks away.

I can't believe the words I'm hearing. "You've been counting? How many days…"

"Since she died, yeah. Haven't been able to stop. Don't think I'll ever stop."

I don't know why this information compels me to do it, but suddenly I'm in his arms and kissing him like crazy.

"After patrol?" I grin. "You. Me. Crypt."

He looks shocked. " _That_ got you all hot and bothered?"

I shrug. "I have a thing for sensitive guys."

"Knew I should've written you a poem," he mutters.

"You write poetry?"

"…Bollocks."

* * *

When I come in from shopping I find Willow, Xander and Giles in the living room. Giles is standing while Willow and Xander are sat on the couch at either end with a Buffy-shaped space in the middle.

I'm surprised they didn't find out sooner. Spike and I have been dating for, like, three or four months now.

It's nearly my Birthday, I guess, and something bad always happens around then. But I was expecting something a little more exciting than an intervention.

"Buffy, can we have a word?" asks Giles.

"Can't," I say. I place the groceries down before turning my full attention to them. "I've got about ten minutes to shower and change before I go and get Dawn from school. Then we're meeting Spike for a movie. So maybe we can reschedule this intervention you didn't tell me we were having? Two weeks from _never_ sounds good to me."

"Buffy, we're worried about you," says Willow.

Xander nods. "You're dating _Spike_. We know it's hard losing your mom, but-"

"OK, I'm gonna stop you all right there." I hold up my finger. "How does me dating Spike immediately equal that there's something wrong with me? He's part of the gang now. He's not perfect, but no one is, and I like him. He makes me happy. I'm not gonna dump him just because you guys tell me to." Xander goes to open his mouth but I beat him to it. "Don't you say one word, Xander Harris. Instead I have two for you: Cordelia Chase."

"She was human!"

"Doesn't matter." I turn to Giles. "How did they rope you into this? I thought you knew better than this, Giles."

"Willow and Xander said that you were self-destructive." He turns and gives them both a disapproving look. "I can see that they are in error. Though I will ask you to be careful."

"I am." I turn back to the other two. "Not once have I ever questioned the dating choices of either of you, so what right do you have to question mine? Hypothetically, what if I said that I hated Tara because I hate lesbians? Or that I hated Anya because I think she's too outspoken and talked about sex all the time? What if I forced you two to break up with them because of that?" They look away. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Treat others how you expect to be treated. Mom taught me that. If you have a problem with Spike, then that's _your_ problem and you deal with it yourselves." I turn to walk out the room, but turn back and direct my gaze at Xander. "Also, Anya's got a way bigger kill count than Spike. Don't call the Kettle Black, Pot."

* * *

Killing demons together is _so_ gonna become a Valentine's tradition. And I'm strangely happy about that.

And while I expected Valentine's Day to end with me on top of a demon, I expected the demon to be Spike instead of whatever the hell _this_ thing is. And Riley _so_ wasn't invited in my head.

I almost laugh when _he's_ the one who's acting like _Spike's_ the third wheel here instead of him.

I don't even blanch when a young woman shows up and Riley introduces her as his new wife. Her name's Sam, or as Spike calls her, "Mrs. Cardboard". I try not to laugh again while Riley just glares at him.

"So why shouldn't we have killed the big scary demon that was going to kill us if we didn't?" I ask. "And why didn't you tell us about it on the way here?"

"There wasn't enough time," Riley explains.

I roll my eyes. "You know, there would've been enough time if you didn't waste five minutes listing every pointless reason why Spike couldn't tag along – an argument you didn't even win, by the way."

Sam frowns. "Is that the Hostile you chipped?"

"Still need to plan my revenge for that," Spike mutters, loud enough for everyone to hear, though I'm pretty sure it's a joke. I think. I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't.

I see Riley reaching for a stake tucked away in his pocket and I hurry to get back on topic. "So, the demon? What gives?"

"It nested," Sam explains. "These things can start World War III if they get into the wrong hands, and word is, their eggs are being sold on the black market. If we don't destroy them, we could have a global catastrophe on our hands."

Spike walks up beside me, now paying attention. "Oh, _those_ eggs. Already took care of them."

Riley frowns – and it's the same frown as his wife's. Maybe Spike has a point. "What?"

"Some bloke down at Willy's was trying to get someone to look after them for him," Spike explains. "Probably until he could find a buyer. When I realized what he was sellin' I lured him outside, killed him, and threw the eggs in a furnace. Problem solved. You're welcome. Hope you enjoyed your honeymoon in Sunnyhell. Don't come again."

"Forgive me if I don't exactly believe you," says Riley.

"He's not lying," I tell him. "Trust me, I know. He's a terrible liar."

"Now off you trot." Spike waves his hands, attempting to dismiss them. "It's still Valentine's and I intend to spend the rest of it with my girl, here. So if you can just be on your merry way-"

"Wait." Riley looks back and forwards between us, his eyes widening comically as he does. His gaze finally settles on me. " _Him_?! You're dating _him_?!"

I shrug. "Why are you even concerned, Riley?" I ask. "You're married. And you did it within a year of leaving me. That means I really didn't matter that much to you, or Sam doesn't and you're still pinning for me."

He ignores me. Typical. "You're an animal," he directs at Spike.

"Yet you still lowered yourself to get suck jobs from vamps when the Slayer wasn't looking." Spike raises an eyebrow. "You're one of a kind, Finn."

Sam's eyes widen and she stares at Riley in horror. "Wait, _what_ did you do? You never told me that."

"It was nothing! It was a mistake!" Riley points an accusing finger at Spike. "You ruined my relationship with Buffy! I'm not letting you ruin this one!"

I step in between them. "No, Riley. _You_ ruined our relationship. Actually, scratch that, we _both_ did. I wanted to date someone normal, and when you came along, you seemed perfect. Even more so when I found out you were a demon hunter. But the truth is, I never wanted you; I only pretended to want what everyone else wanted me to want, and I got so good at it that I even convinced myself for a time. I used you, and for that, I'm sorry. But that doesn't excuse what you did. You couldn't accept that I was stronger than you and constantly put yourself in danger out of some delusion to prove yourself, even when there was nothing to prove. I was the centre of your world, and you hated that you weren't the centre of mine. I had a mom who was sick – and whose _dead_ now by the way, thanks for asking – a little sister constantly in danger and a new Big Bad I had to defeat. And all you did was whine and complain about how I wasn't giving you all my undivided attention. Well, I had bigger problems to deal with. Which you _knew_ about. You wanted me to need you, and that goes against who I am. But what makes things worse is instead of talking with me about it like an adult, you decided to get bite jobs at the local vamp whorehouse. Real mature, Riley."

He looks down. "You weren't meant to find out about that."

"So it's totally OK for you to do that behind my back?" I shake my head. "If Spike hadn't told me what was going on, you could've been killed or worse: turned. So don't you _dare_ blame Spike for things that were _your_ fault. Oh, and by the way." I punch him in the nose. " _That's_ for staking my boyfriend with a plastic stake!"

* * *

I go alone to the grave.

I'm going to take Dawn when it's light and safe. But I need to visit first, alone, to get everything off my chest. So I arrive right before the sun rises and wait.

After five minutes I check my watch. Now it's the exact time she died, one year ago.

I read the words on her gravestone:

 _Joyce Anne Summers_

 _Beloved Mother_

 _August 17_ _th_ _1958 – May 15_ _th_ _2001_

I look to the east and see the sun rising. Dawn. Mom always told me that's how she named her; she was born just as the sun was rising, and Mom watched it while holding her in her arms.

"At first I tried to be a mom. Like you," I begin. I turn back to the grave. "A few weeks down the line Dawn told me to stop. She wanted me to just be her sister. Probably a good thing, too. I'd make a crappy mother. Good thing I'll never have kids, but… I'll get to that in a sec."

I can almost imagine her waiting patiently for me to stop babbling. I smile. Wherever she is now – Heaven, Paradise, The Other Side – I hope she's listening. It'd be nice.

"I got a job," I tell her. "Brian offered me one not long after the funeral. I really like it, actually. I really like him, too. In a 'he'd make a good dad' sort of way, before you freak out. I like him in the way I like Giles. I think… If you didn't die…if the tumour never came back and if none of us had to jump…he would've made a good dad for us. He's trying now, even with you gone. Dawn likes him a lot. And while I'm on the subject, Dad _still_ hasn't called."

I sigh.

"We're all doing OK. Xander and Anya are engaged, but it'll be a while before they get married. Willow and Tara are thinking about visiting this coven in Devon for the summer. Giles thinks it'll be good for them, Willow especially; he says it's about time she got a proper magic tutor. I think so, too. And Dawn… She's doing better. She had to go to summer school for a few weeks in order to catch up on the work she missed, but she's doing OK now. She's really smart. Giles even thinks she has Watcher potential; if she applies soon then she'll be able to attend the academy over in England after she leaves school."

I wipe my hand across my face. "I'm not sure how I feel about that. Part of me hoped that she'd leave and lead a normal life, you know? But the more rational part of me knows that'll never happen; she's the sister of the Slayer, and a mystical Key to boot. Her life is never gonna be normal no matter what she does, and I think she likes it that way. I want her out of danger, but I think I'll put her in more danger by denying it than I will by accepting it."

I smile. "That's what you eventually realized, wasn't it? And it's what you tried to make me realize, too, right at the end; I'm not normal, and I should focus on living my life how it is, instead of trying to make it what I want it to be. I think that's the only reason I dated Riley."

I sigh again. "I guess I should address _that_ elephant in the room now that I've brought it up. Yes, I'm dating someone. Yes, you know him. He's a vampire, but not the one you're probably thinking of right now. Angel and I are really over, emphasis on the 'really' part. I never realized that I was still waiting for him until you brought up that…disturbing aspect about our relationship. Knowing just how much influence he had over me… I can't believe that if he'd come back I would've dropped Riley like yesterday's pizza. But I never really knew him, did I?" I shake my head. "He came to the funeral last year. I sent him away. I think he gets it now, too."

I take in a deep breath and let it out again. "I gave Spike a chance, like you asked me to do. We were just friends at first. He helped me with Dawn. He took over patrol while I got my life back on track. I…I used him after the funeral. He keeps saying otherwise – that it's not using if he was a willing participant – but somehow that makes it worse. I used him for comfort, and I made him wait until I was ready. But he waited."

I smile when I think back on what we've already been through. "We've been together for about seven months now. Willow and Xander had their freak out moment, but they got over it. I punched Riley in the face when he found out. I was surprised when Angel didn't immediately charge back into town, though now that I think about it he might have suspected something when he was last here. But things are good. Like, really good. He watches my back, like you said he would. I enjoy slaying with him. Taking down Big Bads is easier now with him on my side – but I could've taken this year's Big Bad all by myself. A trio of nerds. Can you believe it? I face a freaking _Hell God_ last year and the Hellmouth follows up with _nerds_?"

I laugh.

And the laughter dies.

"I wish you were here with us. We all miss you. Dawn, Spike… But you're in a better place now. You're not suffering anymore. And I'm living. I'm OK. I'm moving on. Life goes on, and I'm running with it. Maybe I'll set a new world record for longest living Slayer in history. Spike seems to think so." I smile a little. "I love him, Mom. I really do. Thanks for telling me to give him a chance."

I kiss the tips of my fingers and press them to the gravestone before turning and walking away. I walk towards where the tingles at the back of my neck are directing me, and when I reach the mausoleum I find Spike leaning against the wall. He's trying to act casual, but I can see a look of awe in his eyes and it doesn't take me long to guess why.

"You heard?"

He looks down shyly. "Every word."

I smile. "I wanted to tell you sooner, but… In case you forgot, the last time I told a guy 'I love you', he tried to kill me and my friends."

"I've tried to kill you before," he says. "It's harder than it looks. Why should I try again when I know it's next to impossible?"

"You're one to talk. You're impossible to chase away." I nudge him as we start walking. The sun is still low enough that he's not getting burnt by its rays.

"Feel better now?" he asks.

I nod. "Yeah. I'm living. It's hard, and there's pain, but there's also love along the way. And at the end of the day, love is worth the pain it takes to keep on living."

* * *

 **End Notes** : A year ago today, my dad died of a brain tumour. I still miss him.


End file.
